[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
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One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
6: are snakes just neck?
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately