[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
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The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.