What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
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How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Running your mouth is not cardio.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
they really do be looking like this
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.