Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
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Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Autocorrect completely socks
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!