[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
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[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.