well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
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[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
I only treason on days ending in y
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog