It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
You Might Also Like
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?