Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
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[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
wtf management?!
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”