Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
You Might Also Like
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.