left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
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If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.