If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
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Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Is anyone gonna tell them?
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.