1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
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Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.