if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
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WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.