My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
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17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still