Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…ππΎπ
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Your honor, is it really βstealing a zoo animalβ if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like βoh i live in new york.β and he was like βoh have you heard of 9/11?β
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. Iβll outwardly hope that shit.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Nobody:
8: βMommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!β
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your sonβs voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
when you say the word βspitβ you have at least two opportunities to do so
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay Iβm here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?