ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
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the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
These aliens are taking forever.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!