If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
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how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.