Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
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Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
that de-escalated quickly
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.