getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
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Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
what my late-night hot pocket sees
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster