Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
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Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?