“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
You Might Also Like
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Did…did a minotaur write this
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.