Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
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BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
it be like that
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot