*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
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With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.