Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
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My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.