Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
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My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
called in thicc to work this morning
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
I gave up going to work for lent.
Admin smashed it 😂
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.