My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
You Might Also Like
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
All. The. Damn. Time.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
mariah carrie
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.