Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
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*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
We decided to have money instead of children.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.