*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
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Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
How to draw a duck
Sorry I made promises on Friday
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Those are good neighbors.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.