Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
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My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?