This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
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Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.