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The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Going to church you guys need anything
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
#StillHurts
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.