I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
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*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
How animals would run if they were human
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Dance like you’re not the father
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
O Wise One….
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.