nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
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KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
#Caturday
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?