I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
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Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
My birth announcement for our third baby
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*