[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
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Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
#gardening
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie