In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
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me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”