Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
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Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Scream sneezers need love too.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD