Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
You Might Also Like
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.