Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
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Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
The news is so predictable nowadays
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.