*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
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Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Owl Sanctuary
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”