If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
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Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.