somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
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On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.