I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
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just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*