I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
You Might Also Like
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.