Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
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What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
another case of gang violins
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
uh oh
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.