*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
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Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
black phone good