[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
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*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
What?!?
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.