Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
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People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.