Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
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Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.