The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
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happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Aaaa…CHOO!
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”